Survival Instinct: Brian Book One (Van Zant Siblings 1) Read online

  “Before I discovered their affair, I believed Michael and I were happy,” Brian said sadly. “I was happy. It’s such a cliché to say I didn’t see their betrayal coming. The three of us were always together. Now, I think they were probably always waiting for the moments I left the room so they could be alone together. I was such a blind fool.”

  Hawk thought his sorrow made him seem so fragile, and he wanted no more than to kiss the furrowed lines from his brow. He gripped his coffee mug harder. “I think you’re mourning seems like it will never come to an end because the accident prevented you from having closure.”

  Brain shuddered, whispering, “You’re right about that; there was no closure. Only anger and disappointment. I hated Brandon. I hated Michael too, but mostly Brandon, for allowing it to happen. He was my brother. My twin. God. How sick is that? My husband had an affair with a carbon copy of me.”

  Hell, what could he say to that? How had he ever believed that lending a sympathetic ear would make Brian feel better?

  “They both called me moments before they died. I didn’t answer. I let their calls go to voicemail. They were both begging me to answer the phone. They were both telling me how much they loved me and how they’d never meant to hurt me.” Brian wrapped his arms around his middle and folded over. “I feel so guilty. I didn’t answer the phone. Why didn’t I answer?”

  “I’m sure you were still angry.”

  “God, yes. Rage-filled. I saw red every time I saw either of their names on my phone screen.”

  “Would answering have changed anything?

  “Yes!” he answered, but he shook his head, admitting, “I don’t know. Maybe they would both still be alive if—”

  Hawk’s inner Dom broke through the surface, making his tone deeper and harder when he commanded, “Stop! Tell me about the accident. Were you driving?”

  Brian exhaled impatiently. “No! No way would I have gotten into a car with either of them.”

  “So, who was driving?”

  Brian exhaled harshly before answering, “Michael was driving.” He paused before adding, “Recklessly, according to witnesses at the scene.”

  Hawk sure hoped he’d keep talking. It was apparent he needed to talk it out. “Reckless is a little vague.”

  “The police report stated that he was speeding. Flying. Changing lanes erratically. It was a beautiful sunny day, but he lost control and crossed the median. By the time he regained control, he was going the wrong direction on the interstate. A sixteen wheeler tried to avoid a head-on collision, jackknifing, but it wasn’t enough. Their speed was too great, the impact too brutal.”

  “The truck driver lived?”

  “He was fine. Not even a scratch.”

  Brian scrubbed his face with his palms. “I keep listening to their final messages. Michael crying and saying that he’d screwed up everything. Brandon crying and begging for forgiveness.”

  “You need to stop listening to those messages. Immediately! Delete them or if you can’t do that—“

  “I already took care of the problem. Threw my ring and my phone off one of the bridge that crosses the Ohio River.”

  “Good.”

  “No, not good. Their voices are still in my head, taunting me that I should have answered the phone. I should have somehow averted their deaths.”

  “It was for the best. Now, you just gotta stop beating yourself up. Forgive yourself. Forgive them.”

  Leaving his chair, Brian shook his head franticly, emotion spilling out, almost on the verge of hysterics. “I don’t want to live if I’m going to hurt this badly. I have a hole where my heart used to be and the pain is unbearable. Maybe I was supposed to die in these mountains. I wish you’d just left me there!”

  Without thinking, Hawk grabbed his shoulders and jerked him hard. “Don’t say that!”

  Brian’s eyes widened, fearfully. “You can’t understand.”

  “I don’t know your pain, that’s true, but I do understand mourning. Grief takes time.” Hawk realized his fingers were still digging into Brian’s arms, but his brain was slow to respond to the command to let him go. The fact of the matter was he didn’t want to let him go. He pulled Brian to him and kissed him, roughly. A voice of reason screamed somewhere in his head. He shouldn’t be doing this. It was unprofessional. It was unethical. Sex is not the answer to grief!

  Brian responded with an equal intensity, his lips pressing hard, harder, until the kiss was painful. Hawk fell back against the icy window, allowing Brian to take the lead. The chill cooled his passion, but only enough to think clearly. I want this man now warred with I shouldn’t be allowing this to happen.

  Brian unbuttoned Hawk’s flannel shirt and his mouth followed his hands, licking, kissing, biting as he revealed bare skin. Hawk tensed under the onslaught. Brian didn’t slow down as he reached the waistband of his pants, unbuttoning, unzipping.

  “Wait.” It took every ounce of his willpower to say that single word as Brian loosened the fabric enough for his erection to spring free. Once unconfined, his cock strained upward, aching. Jesus. He was so hard and ready, it was a hard thing not to adjust himself. Press out the pain of built up frustration. Brian’s hand had already closed around the base, and his mouth was descending. He swallowed hard as Brian met his gaze.

  “You don’t want this?”

  Hawk gasped at the despair in Brian’s eyes, understanding without knowing any more of his story than he did that Brian was feeling rejected. Again. He shook his head slowly. “I want this very much. You have the most sensual mouth I’ve ever seen, Just Brian, and I know it will feel amazing wrapped around my cock.”

  Brian smiled lazily. “Then why wait?”

  “You may not be feeling what you think you’re feeling. I rescued you and—”

  Brian laughed. He slid his hand slowly up Hawk’s hard length. “You think because I’m stranded here with you in the middle of a blizzard, and because you happened to be the one who saved my life, I may be blinded by gratitude?”

  Hawk nodded.

  Brian’s grin widened. “Or I might be taking advantage of the situation because we’re snowed in, and at least for the next few hours, I have you at my mercy.”

  “Your mercy?” Hawk arched his brow, challenging Brian. His patient—yes, he had to keep it in the forefront of his mind, his patient—actually chuckled.

  Brian whispered seductively, “I was just going to blow you, but we could negotiate a quick scene and establish a safeword if it would make you feel better about this.” His confidence brimmed over when he said assuredly, “After you call me Sir for an hour or so and beg me to let you come, I promise the last thing on your mind will be if I’m fucking you out of gratitude.”

  Safeword? Sir? This was a side of the man he hadn’t expected. Hawk was more intrigued than ever. Anyone who had ever played with him would have set Brian straight, Hawk never bottomed and he wasn’t sure he could do it now, but he managed to stutter, “V-validation. You’ve been hurt by two men. I’m—”

  “A walking wet dream,” Brian interrupted. “And yes, you’re right, I definitely want to feel sexy and desirable again, but that isn’t the reason I’m going to give you a blowjob.”

  “It isn’t?”

  Hawk inhaled sharply as Brian’s mouth went down over the head of his penis. He closed his eyes as his warm, velvety mouth enveloped him. He felt his eyes roll back with ecstasy as Brian swirled his tongue around the sharp ridge of his glans. Brian’s mouth vibrated over his flesh as he laughed. He cupped Hawk’s balls and squeezed softly as he separated his mouth from Hawk’s dick long enough to ask, “Still worried I’m blinded by gratitude?”

  Oh god, don’t stop. Fuck. Fuck. Hawk sucked in air before panting, “No, you’re not grateful at all.”

  “Jesus, do you know how hot you are?” Brian winked before going down his length again, hard, fast, and deep. The back of his throat squeezed around Hawk’s length as he swallowed him.

  Holy fuck.

  Brian
worked him hard, sucking deep, withdrawing only long enough to lick the ridge on the underside from bottom to top before plunging his length back into the cavern of his throat. He bumped the back again and again. “Oh, God, Just Brian. Oh God.”

  He felt his load rising and then Brian swallowed him down. “You need to stop. I’m going to come!”

  Brian didn’t release him; he just kept sucking. Hawk tried to hold back, but his semen spewed down the man’s throat.

  “Oh oh.” He growled and shook. “Damn.”

  It took several minutes to recover enough to open his eyes, and when he did he was embarrassed. Things had moved so swiftly. He hadn’t expected Brian to give him a blowjob; he hadn’t even suggested a condom. Not that there were any in the room. Maybe Brian had some in his bag? He could have asked. He should have asked.

  No. He shouldn’t have allowed it to happen in the first place. Shit.

  Brian pushed himself up and, as he stood, he allowed the sheet he’d wrapped around his body to fall. Hawk didn’t have to be a mind reader to know the man was hoping for reciprocation. “I’ve never been fluid bonded with anyone. I shouldn’t have —”

  “Oh.” Brian joined him on the narrow window seat. “I assumed you’re clean.”

  “Clean?”

  “Disease-free,” Brian clarified.

  “Oh. Yes. Disease-free but you wouldn’t have known that. I can show you my recent papers, if you want.”

  “Not necessary.” Brian shrugged. “A moment ago you got really pissed when you thought I might be contemplating suicide. Call me crazy, but I think you would have stopped me if you were afraid you’d give me something. Right?”

  Hawk nodded. “Yes, of course, but please don’t assume with anyone else. That’s very dangerous behavior.”

  Brian reached over and stroked his cheek. “You’re absolutely right, and it seems very dense of me to admit I didn’t even think about it. I guess I was with the same man so long, I forgot what it was like to have casual sex.”

  Hawk didn’t know what to say, so he leaned forward and kissed him. Slower and more gently than their first kiss. He worked hard to silence the million thoughts rushing through his mind. All the reasons this was such a bad idea and how none of them had to do with being professional and everything to do with the fact he saw Brian as vulnerable, easily taken advantage of, easily hurt. Against all reason, he whispered against Brian’s cheek, “I’d really like to fuck you. If that’s okay?”

  Brian’s mouth opened and shut twice before lowering his gaze and settling on a curt nod.

  He’s submissive. The thought flittered through Hawk’s brain, making him wonder what the big speech had been about. He was no more capable of dominating than Hawk would be at submitting. Basically, that wasn’t ever going to happen. He’d met several ladies in town who’d recently been empowered enough to discuss their BDSM fantasies in the middle of the diner during the lunch rush. Damn books and movies brought whips and chains out of the closet and suddenly everyone was an expert. Hawk decided to dive in with both feet, something he never did; if for no other reason than to teach this man a lesson. “I’m going to need verbal consent before this goes any farther, Just Brian; but before you agree, I need you to know something about me.”

  Chapter Four

  ♥

  By the tone of his voice, Brian recognized the change in the power structure. Hawk had zipped his pants and stood in front of him, exuding waves of dominance. He met the ranger’s gaze. “I’m listening.”

  “You’re familiar with the lifestyle?”

  “Familiar enough.” Brian gulped, starting to believe he might have bitten off more than he was ready to deliver on. He’d been being cheeky, throwing around language he had no business playing with. Sure, he’d gone to a themed club with Jameson often enough—to dance, not play. Whatever reputation Jameson had gained after their breakup, he’d had nothing to do with. They had the most staid sex life of any two gay men ever in the history of homosexuality. More often than not, Jameson wore his socks to bed because he couldn’t orgasm if his feet were cold. So, where did all his big talk land him? Seriously. Screwed. Now, here he was, trapped in a snowstorm with no one to hear his screams.

  “Familiar enough,” Hawk repeated. “So, quick estimate, how many men have you topped?”

  Brian trembled, his bravado quickly fading. He knew he should come clean. Immediately. If he was smart, that’s what he would do. It had been a long time since he’d been intimate with anyone except Michael. He forced himself to admit, “None,” but it came out a bare whisper.

  “None? You’re a submissive then?”

  Brian closed his eyes and admitted, “No, not a submissive either. I don’t have any experience whatsoever. I was just fucking with you, trying to spice things up.”

  Hawk grabbed his chin. “Why would you do that? Do you know how dangerous that kind of baiting is?”

  Brian couldn’t meet Hawk’s gaze as he shook his head. He was so embarrassed.

  “You didn’t believe your mouth could get you in trouble?”

  Oh, Brian knew he was in trouble. His unflappable rescuer sounded exasperated. Possibly even infuriated. He ducked away, trying to pull his chin from Hawk’s grasp, but the man had a pincher grip of steel. He whined, “I’m sorry,” and it wasn’t a proud moment.

  “Try, ‘I’m sorry, Sir,’ Brian. I’m a trained dominant and regular DM—that’s a dungeon monitor—at nearby Missoula. The local kink group attracts a lot of vanilla college kids and I’ve sworn they’re dumber than a box of rocks on more than one occasion, but none of them have behaved as recklessly as you did just now. I think you need taught a lesson about playing with fire.”

  Eyes going wide, Brian gasped but still didn’t look up. “I’m very sorry, Sir.”

  Brian didn’t know what he was expecting, but Hawk moving in and claiming his lips gently was not it. He released the powerful hold on his chin to cup his palms around Brian’s face. The ranger’s kisses were smoother than satin, well-practiced, perfect. With Hawk now in the lead, he felt relief not fear.

  Oh, he still felt like he was walking a tightrope as Hawk led him back to the bed, but he also knew he was going to be okay.

  Hawk commanded, “Sit.”

  Brian nodded and sat on the edge, then Hawk leaned over him and kissed him again. “Are you curious about power exchange dynamics?”

  Brian nodded, daring a glance up.

  “Going to need you to use your words, Just Brian.”

  “I am curious, Sir, and I’ve researched some, read a lot of fiction, but I’ve never been brave enough to go to any of the meet-ups or munches I discovered near my home.”

  “I would like to do a small scene with you. Would you be interested?”

  “Here? Now?”

  “Yes, here, now, with me. I top and you bottom.”

  With his heart racing and his palms sweating, there really was no chance in hell of him declining Hawk’s offer. “Yes, please.”

  “Don’t move.”

  Brian watched him leave the room, and when he didn’t return immediately, all the self-doubt crept back in and he started trembling. He wrung his hands and waited, his erection not so erect anymore. He listened hard and finally heard rummaging, but didn’t know where or what Hawk could possibly be looking for. He shook harder, a dozen thoughts going through his head. Mainly memories of Michael, and Brian. The question, ‘Why?’ circled round and round his brain. What had he ever done to deserve such betrayal? And then the question that seemed to never leave his thoughts for long: was Brandon just a better lay? Or more interesting? They were identical so he never really worried Brandon might be better looking in some way.

  He heard Hawk on the stairs and wiped his face, hoping Hawk wouldn’t guess he’d started crying again. Tears weren’t really conducive to raging hard-ons. If he couldn’t survive this one man, how would he ever survive the dozens he hoped to seduce in Seattle? I am no seducer. He laughed at himself. He was such a loser, a sci
ence nerd. Brandon was the charmer, the poet, the truly talented one of the two. He could have any woman, or man, he wanted, anywhere, anytime.

  Brian closed his eyes. That blowjob wasn’t so bad, though…

  Eventually Hawk returned. It seemed like he’d been gone forever, it was probably closer to a few minutes.

  “Sorry that took so long.” He held up a tube in explanation. “Lube. Had to rummage through the trauma kit in the truck.”

  Lube. Hawk’s answer didn’t decrease his nervousness.

  Brian’s gaze went to the satchel in Hawk’s other hand and he wondered what was in it, but then Hawk started unbuttoning his flannel shirt. His smooth, hairless chest was so well-defined and perfect that Brian forgot how to breathe for a beat.

  “I’m more prepared at home, but I managed to find some things that will intensify your experience with me.” Hawk smiled wickedly and revealed at least some of what was in the bag by spilling out four condom foils, a sufficient length of rope, and two spring-hinged clothespins.

  Brian nodded and forced himself to breathe regularly.

  Hawk tossed the bag on the nightstand and it landed with a soft thud. Brian’s heart beat faster—curiosity, anticipation, and apprehension all warring for precedence. Brian couldn’t pull his gaze away from the man. Hawk took his time, removing his clothes. Hawk, his walking fantasy, was well hung, being both thick and long.

  He sat on the bed next to Brian and cupped his face. “Where were we?”

  “K-kissing, we were kissing.”

  Hawk leaned in and again claimed Brian’s mouth. Brian felt the slow slide of pre-come dribble down his own cock, bringing his attention to his aching cock and heavy balls. He’d never been kissed like Hawk kissed, a slow tease of lips and tongue from beginning to end.

  Hawk maneuvered Brian into the center of the bed and pushed him back against the pillows. With a swipe of his hand he tossed excess sheets and blankets out of the way. To Brian the room seemed suddenly too warm, even though the fire in the fireplace was burning low. Hawk commanded, “Relax,” but Brian felt there wasn’t a chance in hell of that happening.